Every class has these, what were you???

Sri Ram S(c)ene

The whole of Bangalore is brimming with news about Sri Ram Sene planning to protest and disrupt the Valentine's day celebrations in the city. But, this is not going to be any other rally or hunger strike or violence. Mr Pramod Muthalik has devised a new way to help couples in the pipeline, waiting for their official confirmation (Wedding). He knows exactly what he is doing. Do you??

NDTV, got in touch with the Sene chief to drill out some useful facts and gain a deeper understanding of the Sene. Here are some mind-boggling and thought-provoking excerpts from the interview.

Correpondent: Welcome Muthalik Ji!
MM : Jaaaai Sri Raam!!

Correspondent: There has been news about you planning to perform a Ram Vivaaha throughout the city. Is this true?
MM: [nods his head]

Correspondent: So, what are your plans? And what's your agenda?
MM: Well, I plan to roam around the city on the fine day of Feb 14 with my benevolent soldiers (codenamed vaanar sene) in gangs, armed with close-circuit cameras, priests and other raw materials necessary for a typical hindu wedding. We subsequently spot couples in each locality of the city (Ram Sene members are by default exempted from the same, under the Act_of_Ayodhya-12A. We are doing this to prevent any accidental reverse-kalai) and if found dating, we take them to the nearest temples where a Ram Sene Priest performs their wedding and then they are taken to the HR's Desk (Registrar Office) for further confirmation where the couple are named as Ram[dot]Guys_Actual_Name and Sita[dot]Girls_Actual_Name.

Correspondent: But then, Bangalore is a city teeming with couples. How do you plan to deal with such high numbers?
MM: To handle the entire bulk of Bangalore couples, Ram Sene is running special vehicles called Ayodhya Vaahans, which offer home pickup as well. All you need to do is call 1100-2000-3100 (TOLL FREE) OR sms Hamari Shaadi Karvao [SPACE] Muthalik Mama to 323.

Correspondent: Making use of technology! Impressive, Mr Muthaaa... [looks at his notes]
MM: Mama!! You can call me Muthalik Mama :)

Correspondent: So, what are your long term goals?
MM: I believe that Ram Vivaaha is going to set a trend for the younger generation. I am able to see that kids in the future will have debates on Ram Vivaha Vs Arranged Marriage in their schools/colleges.

Correspondent: Would it be a logically sound inference that Ram Vivaaha would happen only on Feb 14?
MM: Ofcourse, Ram Vivaha is built upon a bunch of insanely set premises.

Correspondent: Interesting! Could you please elaborate on that?
MM: Well..
-All weddings are performed ONLY ONCE in a calendar year during the auspicious day (shubh muhurth) of Feb 14.
-Eligiblity Criteria : Indian Citizen and not a current or ex-member of Ram Sene :)
-Due to heavy rush, it is advisable that you inform us of your location well in advance so that we can pick you up accordingly
-Female members, who could potentially seduce The Mutalik Mama himself are strictly prohibited from applying
-Male members, wearing revealing clothes like torn-jeans and boxer shots are also strictly prohibited from applying (as MM is not very confident about his orientation)

Correspondent: We also heard that you make the girl tie rakhi to the guy. Why is that so?
MM: [chuckles to himself] Its simple! Whenever WE find the girl to be an eye-candy, we make her tie a rakhi to the guy. For all our services, this is a minimal sur-charge :)

Correspondent: It looks like you have an inherent dislike towards love-marriage. Why is it so?
MM: [gives a terse one-line reply] Lord Rama had an arranged marriage unlike Lord Krishna.

Correspondent: Hmm.. So, what does your Sene have in mind for the future?

MM: We have a stiff target to meet and several miles to leap. Our next plans are -
- Ban Salsa classes. Victims will be forced to pair up for a salsa with a Ram Sene member (**Conditions Apply)
- Guys sporting long hair OR dying/hair-coloring their hair. Victims will be immediately taken
to Tirupathi to have their entire hair shaven and dropped back home with ONE laddoo :)
- Couples spotted on two-wheelers shall be immediately asked to stop and thereafter continue the journey on a special donkey provided by Sri Ram Sene.
- Co-Ed schools/colleges shall have separate partitions for girls and guys styudying in the same class with a tamper-proof wall in between.
- Mixed Doubles form of sport shall be condemned strictly. Recent match involving Sania Mirza and Mahesh Bhupathi shall be the last one in the entire history! Victims shall be made to play kabadi in our clay court.
- LalBagh and CubbonPark shall be turned into LalMandir and KambanKoil respectively
- We understand that banning the perennial chain of CCDs and Barista's throughout the city might not be effective. So, a time slice of 5 minutes per couple shall be imposed in these coffee shops, beyond which they shall be siezed by the Sri Ram Sene and become MM's property.
- All duet songs in Bollywood shall be remade as Devotional songs retaining the cast (but with a modified costume :P)

Correspondent: It has been said that you have criticized the trend amongst the current youth or rather inclination towards Rock and Western music. Any comments or justification?
MM: [sounding furious] The youth these days are taking us away from our sweet history of music. Its a rapid degradation of music. Our mythology too had music bands but then the instruments were different. We had Goddess Saraswathi on the lead Veena, Lord Krishna on the Flute and Naarad on the Rhythm Pads. I strongly urge people to get back to our tradition or else we would have to take stringent measures.

Correspondent: I am afraid we are running out of the time Mr Mutalik Mama and I shall have to cut-short this session. But, I must admit it was a pleasure talking to you.
MM: [totally surprised by the abrupt end and forgetting his mantra] Jaaai ...
Corresponent: Jaaai Sri Raam!

The Function of Ram Sene - RamSene()







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A News Article on the above issue.